Saturday Night Live: Christmas For The Jews Song

Earlier tonight I published an article entitled What's a Jew To Do On a Green Christmas Day? on the APRC™, which explored the ways in which Jews can capitalize on Christmas. An old Saturday Night Live video (aired 2005) called "Christmas Time For The Jews" summed up the Christmas Eve festivities well. Enjoy the video by Robert Smigel below, and check out Darlene Love on the vocals.

On Christmas, the Gentiles gather 'round the Christmas tree. / They stay at home, and party with their Goyishe family. / They disappear one day each year and pass the eggnog 'round. / But it's all right because that's the night, the Jews control the town. 

Well, this happens every year on Christmas Eve. / All the happy Christian people take their leave. / Yeah, the streets are deserted and that's big news. / It's Christmastime for the Jews.

The holiday part starts about 6pm. / Ain't nobody recreating Bethlehem. / Yeah, the Three Wise Men, that's a big old snooze. / It's Christmastime for the Jews.

They can finally see King Kong without waiting in line. / They can eat in Chinatown and drink their sweet ass wine. / They can crank Barbara Streisand on the streets they cruise. / It's Christmastime for the Jews.

They can gang up on the Quakers. Play for the Lakers. / They can do what they wanna. Even blow off Madonna. / Get a chance to drive a tractor. Win on Fear Factor. / See Fiddler On The Roof with actual Jewish actors.

Now, they really get the party goin' after dark. Circumcising grateful squirrels in the city park. / Picking fights in the bar knowing they can't lose. It's Christmastime for the Jews.

Now it's nearly 10:30. Yes it's time for bed. / Daily Show reruns dancin' in their heads. / Maybe next year they'll learn how to hold their booze. / It's Christmastime for the Jews.

What's a Jew To Do On a Green Christmas Day?

'Tis the season to be jolly -- for those who celebrate Christmas, that is. I recently posted Eight Steps to a Greener, Eco-Friendly Christmas and The Green Christmas Dilemma: Live vs. Fake Trees, but where does that leave all the green Jews of the world? For those who have already enjoyed a green Hanukkah, here are a few activities -- green or not -- to do on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. For those of us who didn't make Santa's list period, we can still capitalize on Christmas.

1. Buy and decorate a Hanukkah bush. Hanukkah bushes are just as fun, if not more fun, than a Christmas tree because they are smaller, cuter, and plumper. Since Hanukkah is not very commercialized outside the Jewish community, it may be difficult to find an artificial hanukkah bush. Still, once you get your real pine, decorate the tree with dradles, miniature menorah, $100 dollar bills, or fake latkes -- really anything with a Jewish theme. Or personalize yours. 

2. Go out for Chinese food. The Chinese do not celebrate Christmas either, do on Christmas Eve or Christmas night, many Chinese restaurants will be open and ready to serve. In many cities, there are plenty of kosher Chinese restaurants, so Jews from Reform to Orthodox can enjoy a nice meal -- just watch out for those additives and preservatives. 

3. Go to a movie. This used to be a Jewish tradition, but if the movie theatre lines after 4pm on past Christmas days have been any indication, Christmas celebrators seem to have hijacked this activity. Still, movies on Christmas Eve are up for grabs, and Up In The Air (2009) has boasted an impressive score on Rotten Tomatoes. 

4. Do a family activity. Remember, doing a family activity on Christmas doesn't mean you are doing it for Christmas -- it means you are doing it in spite of Christmas. Also, it's a shame to miss out on the inexpensive deals. In fact, during Christmas, Jews in New York, New Jersey, and Philadelphia go to Atlantic City, where, according to JewFAQ.org, "the casinos never close and the hotels are inexpensive." 

5. Go to work -- take advantage of the extra hours. In 24/7 community service or corporate jobs, Jews can work during Christmas and take advantage of the extra hours and increased wages. "Even if your business isn't 24/7," added JewFAQ.org, "you can often talk your boss into letting you work Christmas in order to get another day off some other time." Since many Jews are the boss, moreover, make your own hours and take advantage of the holiday season. 

The Green Christmas Dilemma: Live vs. Fake Trees

Since the term green Christmas has reached its cultural tipping point, many have argued the sustainability of live Christmas trees vs. fake ones. Some argue fake trees ensure live pines stay alive, while others claim fake trees travel directly to landfills where their PVC-based material do not assimilate into the environment. Explore the pros and cons of each type of tree below from Mahalo.com, and be sure to check out Eight Steps to a Greener, Eco-Friendly Christmas. 

LIVE: or pros, live trees are biodegradable, can be chipped into mulch, compost, or wood chips, can be repurposed to make fences or other wood-based constructions, trap more carbon dioxide than other forest trees (of course, pine trees will do this regardless of where they are planted), smell piney and terrific, and they can be re-planted after the holidays. Check out He Delivers Christmas Trees for Rent on the New York Times. 

LIVE: For cons, live trees are rarely organic, can be filled with pesticides or unexpected bugs, may be transported across the country (adding to fuel costs and carbon emissions), require water, shed needles that are difficult to clean up, and not all communities provide recycling options for trees -- which means you are essentially killing one pine tree every Christmas. 

ARTIFICIAL: For pros, artificial trees can be used year after year (although research suggests family rarely reuse artificial trees), are less expensive, do not dry out (and generally require less maintenance), practical for urban dwellers, and can be put up earlier in the season -- so the Christmas spirit can reign freely. 

ARTIFICIAL: For cons, artificial trees are made mostly from non-biodegradable plastics and metals (that end up, and stay in, in landfills), often produced in China and shipped long distances (thus yielding transportation and fuel costs and carbon emissions), need to be stored every year, and are not as aesthetically- or aromatically-pleasing. 

As for the verdict, different families may choose to use different trees. Decide which tree is right for you and your family, or consider making your own tree from recycled products -- this could be a fun and sustainable family tradition. Regardless of the option you pick, please try to buy locally, and consider how you will recycle your tree once the holiday season has commenced.

Eight Steps to a Greener, Eco-Friendly Christmas

As politicians have failed to construct a binding climate pact at this year's COP15, the burden has fallen upon individual households to go green. As Christmas approaches, you will be able to have one of the greenest holidays ever with this guide on the Anti Pollution Revolution Campaign™. For all my Jewish viewers, please view Reform Judaism On Culture Designed For Earthcare or Three Reasons Hanukkah Is A Green Holiday.

1. Buy fewer gifts. Remember, not all gifts have to be store-bought, as homemade gifts often carry much more sentimental value. If you must buy, the most eco-friendly gifts are services (such as massages), shared experiences, antiques, found objects (e.g. shells, arrowheads, a collection of sea glass), food, or used gold jewelry. Oftentimes, family members will appreciate these types of gifts more because they are more personalized and require more thought. Click here for more tips of sustainable gift giving. 

2. Be sustainable in nature. "Christmas is a time for giving, and a time for family," offered EarthEasy. "What a great opportunity to start a family tradition of giving back to the earth an instilling the values of sustainable living to your children, friends, and community." Go on a nature hike, plant a tree to represent the value of nature and tree life, or spend some time cleaning up a lake or river that has been abused by human activity. 

3. As the cost of electricity has sky-rocketed, and the excessive use of electricity has proven to be anti-green, lower the impact of holiday lighting this Christmas by using fewer outside incandescent lights (or use mini-lights, which use much less energy), use LEDs (light-emitting diodes), and turn off all Christmas lights before falling asleep. "Remember, never install lights with the power on," warned EarthEasy, "Test lights first, then unplug to install."

4. Use a real Christmas tree. There seems to be some controversy on this subject -- some say to use a plastic tree, thereby keeping the real pine trees alive, while others say use a real pine tree, and reduce the production of fake plastic trees. The reality? Fake trees are made from PVC and are sent to landfills, and plastic does not assimilate. Simply buy a live potted tree, re-pot the tree with appropriate soil and water, and replant the tree after Christmas. Remember, burning Christmas tree branches in your fireplace will cause the build-up of the highly flammable creosote.

5. Create homemade cards. "Store-bought Christmas cards [...] consume a huge amount of natural resources for a throw-away item," wrote EarthEasy. "The mount of cards sold in the U.S. during the holiday season would fill a football field 10 stories high, and requires the harvesting of nearly 300,000 trees." Create your own cards, and have your children complete the artwork. The cards will have more sentimental value, and family members and close friends will appreciate the effort.

6. Avoid the lure of wrapping paper. According to the 1990 The Recyclers Handbook, if each person wrapped three gifts in fabric gift bags or reused paper, it would save enough paper to cover 45,000 hockey ice rinks. While colorful, store-bought wrapping paper is attractive, it has serious implications for deforestation. Reuse gift wrap whenever possible, and create your own wrapping paper. You can also use newspapers, old calenders, or maps. 

7. As a general rule, recycle wrapping paper, ribbons, and old electronics. If you are given a gift in wrapping paper, instead of chastising the git-giver, see this as an opportunity to reuse your resources -- the same goes for bubble wrap, cardboard, ribbons, bows, and gifts. Recycle electronics instead of sending the older computer monitors and laptops to the landfill. 

8. Be sustainable with ornaments, wreaths, and candles. According to TIME, get creative with ornaments and make your own -- "Save your money and hang items around the house using hemp twine." Buy wreaths responsibly, and burn candles around your house -- the soy, vegetable wax, or beeswax sustainable kinds. Paraffin wax candles are petroleum-based. 

RHYMING: Watch "What Happened In Copenhagen"

BBC's "The Now Show" recently created this Dr. Seuss-style rhyme that efficiently summed up the Copenhagen discussions. "There's lots of angst, disappointment and rehashing about what happened in Copenhagen," wrote The Huffington Post, "[but] this podcast [...] will give you Copenhagen nerds out there a little laugh." Watch the rhyming session below, and be sure to watch YouTube: Mr. Pipik Joins Global Warming Deniers to see a stereotypical climate change denier.

"So the delegates stared at the text with red marks on, ignoring the gales of laughter from Clarkson / 'No one was satisfied; nobody won,' said the morons convinced it was really the sun / And they blew it and wasted the greatest of chances. Instead they all frolicked in diplomat dances / And decided decisively right there and then that the best way to solve it is to meet up again / and decide on a future that's greener and greater -- not with action right now, but with something else later."

The Secret to Green Innovation: Danish Economy

Author Thomas Friedman recently described how the Danish economic system was used to increase the eco-friendliness of the country in his new opinion article in the New York Times -- "Her country used higher energy taxes to stimulate innovation in green power and then recycled the tax revenues back to the Danish industry and consumers to make it easier for them to make and buy the new clean technologies." 

The economic system was intelligent, maintained Friedman, because of its efficient allocation of taxes. The United States will, however, never submit to such a method because U.S. politicians refuse to "propose even a 10-cent-a-gallon increase in gasoline taxes to make America more energy independent and to stimulate fuel efficiency." But Friedman added: "How long are we Americans going to go on thinking that we can thrive in the 21st century when doing the optimal things [...] are 'off the table.'"

After the failure of COP15, at which a non-binding sham deal was constructed, Friedman maintains an Earth Race strategy of solving the climate problem will be much more effective than an Earth Day strategy. Under the Earth Race strategy, governments concentrate on economic principles and financial incentives to affect climate action instead of producing a series of limited and conditional compromises that do not appeal to financial well-being. Jump to Thomas Friedman on COP15 and Climate Strategy.

Unfortunately, it seems the Earth Race strategy will be ineffective in the United States, as well, where the optimal things Friedman cited have been "banished by an ad hoc coalition of lobbyists loaded with money, loud-mouth talk-show hosts who will flame anyone who crosses them, [and] political consultants who warn that asking Americans to do anything important but hard makes one unelectable." 

In the Danish government, officials intend to make businesses more eco-friendly. "Already the green taxes here are quite high," offered Danish minister Lene Espersen, "and even though we know this is not popular with business and industry, it has made all the difference for us. It forced our business to become more energy efficient and innovative, and this meant that, suddenly, we were inventing things nobody else was inventing because our businesses needed to be competitive."

Taxes have increased in Denmark, but the country funnels tax revenue "back into industry, earmarking much of it to subsidize environmental innovation," offered Northwestern faculty fellow Monica Prasad, who works in the Institute for Policy Research. "Dashin firms are pushed away from carbon and pulled into environmental innovation, and the country's economy isn't put at a competitive disadvantage."

Let me repeat this: "The country's economy isn't put at a competitive disadvantage." No wonder Denmark boasts the leading wind, biofuel and heating, cooling, and efficiency companies in the world with a population of only five million -- two percent the size of the United States. "With unemployment in Denmark at about 4 percent, compared with our 10 percent," added Friedman, "maybe we should at least consider putting a few of its ideas on our table."

Artist Shepard Fairey on Environmental Activism

Who knew Captain Paul Watson, Canadian animal rights and environmental advocate, would get Obama treatment? Shepard Fairey, who created the well-known Barack Obama "HOPE" posters, recently constructed a poster to support the founder of the Sea Shepherd Society -- a direct action group devoted to marine conservation.

"I am opposed to injustice in any form and I am an environmental advocate," offered Fairey. "The delicate balance of eco-systems needs to be maintained to protect all species, including humans, The mission of Sea Shepherd and founder Paul Watson to protect the oceans their species is noble and inspiring. Any important movement requires a great leader to galvanize and motivate. Captain Watson is a leader who I wanted to celebrate with my art and hopefully have the art benefit the mission of Sea Shepherd." What do you think of  Fairey's position? Is he right? Do you agree? Message @Anti_Pollution with your thoughts.